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Just curious, how old are you/what grade are you in? A one/maybe 2 sentence thesis is a tad short... but thats what I was taught early on. A thesis should be about 3 sentences.
Also, no matter what your essay is, analytical, persuasive, or informative, the thesis should always argue a point. If its an informative essay, why should I know this stuff ? Have insight.
And as burzvingion said: NEVER USE 1 st OR 2 nd PERSON!! , unless it is a personal experience. That means no I, you, we, my, mine, etc.
Otherwise, its a nice basic introduction to the "five-by-five". (5 paragraphs with 5 "sentences" per paragraph, although each piece of evidence can be more than 1 sentence)